TIRED AND MUMBLING

Active pulse now rests,
Speed dims into slow twilight,
Memory fades like mist

In the grand tapestry of existence, I found myself amid an uncharted weave. Fatigue, a relentless tide, washed over me, indifferent to the solace of sleep or rest. Once a traveler upon nature's path, I had turned into a dormant seed, lying in wait. Where life once pulsed with energy and productivity, a profound weariness echoed in its place, roused by the slightest exertion. My mind, that bustling universe of thoughts, began to lose its celestial bodies, words escaping like comets, intents vanishing into the ether.

I remained, yet in this strange interplay of presence and absence, it was as if I was slowly, subtly fading away.

BEING IN PAIN

In existence's dance,
Bones sing of weariness, age,
Opera of pain plays.

In this divine dance of existence, my body seemed to have misplaced its rhythm. Fatigue draped itself over my form, pain etching a discordant melody in my bones. My joints bore the burden of time, whispering tales of weariness and age. Muscles sang an anthem of strain, mirroring the echo of a strenuous ordeal, though no such overexertion was witnessed. And in the quiet theater of everyday, this opera of discomfort played on, a testament to a symphony unsought and unbidden.

WHO AM I WHEN I CANNOT

Identity fades,
Self lost in the silent mist,
Who am I, now adrift?

In the grand cosmos of self, I stood upon a precipice of questioning: Who was I, if not the echo of my past? My identity, it seemed, was woven from the thread of my actions, the fabric of my 'doings'. Now, caught in a gentle unraveling, I bore witness to an erosion of self, a loss as poignant as it was profound. In the theater of existence, I found myself facing an existential conundrum: Could this play continue, in the absence of a familiar protagonist?

IN DESPAIR

Life's canvas now blurred,
Fear and despair color strokes,
Hope, a distant bird

Could this be the narrative inscribed in the chapters of my remaining days? My essence, constrained, my aspirations unfulfilled. A prognosis akin to a fickle mist, lingering potentially for an eternity or dissipating without warning — could fortune bestow upon me such capriciousness? Fear and despair, these uninvited muses, filled my mental canvas with somber hues, and intertwined within this tapestry was a persistent thread of guilt. Guilt for perceived inadequacies towards those I cherished, guilt for responsibilities unmet and duties unfulfilled. Could this be the echo that followed each beat of my existence?

LETTING GO

Shedding past's old skin,
Acceptance in present's hold,
New self begins to spin

In the fellowship of shared affliction, nurtured by the guiding hands of seasoned healers, I found a new rhythm. An acceptance blossomed within me, acknowledging the threshold of my capabilities, releasing the ghost of my yesteryears. Embracing the remains of my former self and welcoming the emergence of the new, I glimpsed a dawn of hope cresting on the horizon of my being. The sun was setting on my past, but a new day was poised to break, inviting me to bask in its transformative light.

FINDING BALANCE

In acceptance, peace,
Balance found in life's vast weave,
Hope blooms, pain to cease

Guided by the wisdom imparted by my mentors, I journeyed upon a spiritual path carved by acceptance. It was a delicate dance, a fragile equilibrium, yet in its embrace, I found a newfound capacity for engagement. My desires were within reach, my loved ones no longer echoes in the realm of my affections. A perspective, tinged with positivity, emerged from the chrysalis of my past anguish, painting the canvas of my existence with the hues of hope and happiness. Even amidst the murkiest of days, a beacon of hope shone steadfastly, a testament to the enduring spirit of life. Despite the trials, life still unfurled its vast tapestry before me, inviting me to weave my story into its intricate patterns.

About the project

Early 2021 the artist suddenly became ill. This was the start of a journey of sickness that would take 8 months to get a diagnosis, it was what felt like a never-ending series of test to find. He was extremely fatigued, had issues with cognitive functions and experienced a lot of pain. Because of this, almost more so than the sickness itself, he struggled a lot with their mental health. This project aims to describe some of the aspects of this experience and is to date the most personal project for the artist.

There is no direct way to diagnose ME/CFS, so you have to close out all other possible diagnoses. There is no direct treatment either, but ways to relieve some of the symptoms and a lot of learning about your own limits to find balance. You can read more about ME/CFS here.

It was during this time he found about AI art technologies and really started to focus more on his art than previously, as this was something that gave him more energy and relief than anything else - and with the AI technology he would not need to exhaust himself to explore ideas. His meditation and spiritual practices turned out to be very important for finding the balance he has today, and besides his general interest of it, is a big influence on why this is a major theme in his art.

Today he has found a balance that helps him mitigate the worst symptoms. There are periods, especially after stressful times, where the symptoms can flare up. Overall, he has a positive outlook and hopes to be able to get even healthier.

To bring this project to life the artist spent a lot of time writing about their experience and in collobration with GPT-4 wrote poem's and text to accompany the visual side of the project. The visual art was made with a mix of Stable Diffusion, Midjourney v5.1 and Photoshop. This page was created by the artist himself in collobration with GPT-4 as a coding assistant.